My Summer Vacation...

Life bends but doesn't break - unless you're dead. I'm not really sure
what that means, but it's the first thing I thought of when I decided to
write this entry. Maybe what I'm saying is that I'm still alive. The
reports of my demise have been highly exaggerated (I've always wanted to
say that). Firstly among my own numerous personal follies is the fact
that the television show Big Brother is less of an obsession for me than
it was previously. My beloved hero was long ago banished from the
proceedings out of his own stupidity. Time moves exceedingly fast for
the idiotic. I haven't working on my new website in over a month. In
many ways I behave as if I'm afraid of this blog. I now refuse to visit
it. Even this post will be sent by email. The blog has become a failed
relationship that previously held so much promise. My connection to
Dialectic Humanism is similar to that of former friend that you now
avoid at all cost. Strangely I also avoid all of my previous sources for
world news. Something tells me that the two are connected somehow. My
priorities have changed. I spend less time online, and more time with my
friends. Yes, I do have friends. Human friends. I even fell in love with
one of my so-called friends. A female that I met in college who I have
much in common with in temperament, but less in common when it comes to
interests. But I do love her. I always have. But I'm the good son. A man
who never leaps without first thinking of the consequences. She has a
fiance/boyfriend and I respect their union. I respect it - despite the
numerous mixed signals I receive. Despite the many sorted statements,
and the childlike nature of the relationship. I always felt that
something was wrong. And a month ago she says that she had broken up
with him. My heart fluttered, and I made my play. I told her how I
really felt for her. What a silly boy I was! She responded that she was
flattered, but that they had gotten back together. I handled it like a
man. I'm still her friend. We even remained together for hours after my
confession. Talking - culminating in a trip to a high priced clothing
store where she tried on a coat she was interesting in. She looked so
beautiful in the long mirror as she slid the coat over her shoulders.
Her round firm breasts jiggling as I thought, "Why him? Why not me?" We
always want what we cannot have. We see each other now more than ever,
and my other friends telling me, "She's so gorgeous!" She comes to my
home about once a week. We eat, watch movies, and have conversation. As
the movie plays she lays on my floor before the TV. Her round hips and
ass pointed towards me. I can see the soft skin of her back, and her
shinny hair. Why him, why not me! On the phone and at my home I've
discovered things. She's a very complex sexual character. More complex
than I ever dreamed. She enjoys women sexually, but holds them in
disdain as relationship material. A heterosexual lesbian? Simple
bisexuality apparently isn't an option for this woman. She remains with
a man despite her strong homosexual tendencies. Is she in denial? Have I
been reduced to loving a woman who may not deep down be sexual
interested in men? I do love her. Why do I love her?